


My Heart’s Desire

by Miss_Shiva_Adler



Series: Mr. Santiago [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Dom for Hire, Dom/sub Undertones, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Blood Drinking, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Character Death, Predator/Prey Dynamics, Self-Doubt, Sex Positive Raphael Santiago, Sex Work, Sex Worker Raphael Santiago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:07:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29382504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Shiva_Adler/pseuds/Miss_Shiva_Adler
Summary: When Raphael decides to come to Simon’s post concert birthday party, Simon’s doesn’t know what to do but to be swept away by the hurricane that is Mr. Santiago.Shadowhunters Bingo 2020-2021Square : Sex WorkValentine VS Halloween event 2021
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Series: Mr. Santiago [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2135478
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20
Collections: SHBingo 20-21, Valentine's Day 2021





	My Heart’s Desire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FinditAgain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinditAgain/gifts).



> Little continuation of the Sex Worker AU I wrote for Raphael’s birthday event. Yes this story is not trying to be accurate about sex work. 
> 
> This is my first time writing a Simon’s POV, so this is very different to what I’ve done before.
> 
> To my dear friend FindItAgain, I do not even remember how we came to struck this bargain but here is the Punk Rock AU I promised I hope you like it <3

The clamour of the public goes up in crescendo, the energy of the crowd flows, even dampened by his ear protections he feels like he is amongst them. With them, not just on a stage but _with_ them in the crowd : dancing, cheering and screaming along. His hair sticks everywhere in every place. His fingers are far from tired and his voice has only just started to waver. There is sadness, anger, but most of it is all joy. He continues, pushes, everyone follows, he goes to the middle of the stage, his fingers are flying solo and Kirk steps a few paces away and Simon feels resurgence. The crowd eats it up and it's the best gift he will get tonight. It's rough, it's deep, it's everything and Simon puts his whole heart into it and Kirk comes next to him and they sing together in his microphone and his eyes close upon hearing his own voice in his ears. The fans follow, and his fingers rake and it's the only thing that matters when everything comes to a halt.

Kirk holds the microphone as everything suddenly falls silent to let Simon's voice be the only thing that holds the tension of the whole concert hall together. He is shaken, he is vibrating, the whole chorus is crisp, right. The fans don't know it but it's Simon's own words, own soul, he wrote them, the lyrics, he poured his soul into them. Kirk lets him have it, sing them out, live them out loud, gift what he has to the crowd. He floats and when he finishes, there is a pause until everything starts up again. Jace does his thing and suddenly things pick up, Kirk takes back the microphone and everything falls back into place. The crowd roars and Simon almost feels like the entire universe opens up. His life, his art, his self is finally whole and there is nothing that will get better than this, than this moment.

* * *

A shower and another costume change later he's outside at last. "Come on, Lewis !" Eric is shouting at him from behind the security lines.

Of course the fans in front of him grow restless at the idea he will be leaving. But to prove a point he takes on another poster and starts signing. It is his birthday after all and refusing gifts isn't a mood he's into. "Thank you for coming." He says as he signs his name on the sketchbook offered to him. Everyone has come dressed in theme, it is wonderful.

"Is it really true you like Halloween the most ?" He smiles at the question of the young teenage girl dressed as a zombie who is holding a box of chocolates in the shape of small skeletons. He takes it before he answers the question, looking her in the eyes.

"Well actually my favourite holiday is Purim, but Halloween is kind of great too. I love Halloween-themed birthday parties. I'm glad you guys totally followed my silly request to come dressed up for my birthday even though it was a last minute post yesterday on instagram." Everyone is thrilled and thanks him. Another group gets excited as he moves to accept another gift, one that is bigger than anything else he's been given today. He readjusts the handmade crown he is wearing; the craftsmanship apparently owned by the group in front of him.

"I'm so glad you picked it up, we were afraid it would get lost on scene when we threw it." He laughs, he doesn't want to say that he hadn't actually seen the crown, hadn't it been for Kirk who put it on his head during their second song.

"Not a problem, so what have you guys gotten me, because this is big." They all chant 'open it' in unison. So he does. He is stunned in awe. The soft bass case is absolutely beautiful, embroidered with 'Rock Solid Panda' and all kinds of lyrics. His eyes fall on the pink-yellow-blue flag that seems to come around it like a repeated pattern. Happy Birthday is shouted all around. His heart swells with love and pride. "This is…" he is at a loss of words and some people chuckle. But he pushes through to at least say something.

"This is awesome. I'm putting C3P0 in there immediately when I get back to the bus. This is astounding, you guys, this is the perfect gift thank you." He would have hugged them if only at that moment his security guard hadn't put his hand on his shoulder, reminding him that he has to be careful with gestures of affection. Heidi's affair is still on everyone's mind. He hears Eric shout at him again.

"Gotta run, thank you so much for coming, you are all perfect." There are sighs of sadness but also cheers and with his arms full of things he makes his way back to the tour bus. He catches a plastic bag with apparently 'Russian snacks' right on time before he is escorted further behind the security line. Eric elbows him and Matt joins them to walk to the bus. Eric snatches the bag from Simon's hand. Simon almost feels annoyed, but being unburdened from gifts is actually nice since his bass case is heavier than it should be.

"Damn there aren't any piroshki in there." He takes out a bag of what looks like fudge candy. They find their bus back, sharing head nods with other artists around them. The door is already open. There is another round of cheers when he enters.

There is cake and beer and all kinds of things. A huge pile of presents is lying on the seats and the bus is decorated. Once more he gets cheered and everybody sings happy birthday while Kirk plays the theme on his guitar. It's loud and off key as if none of them were actual musicians. There is a drink pushed into his hands, probably a rum and coke, right before everyone starts chanting 'Speech ! Speech !' so he walks in front to stand on an improvised wooden box that probably contained music equipment at some point. He pushes his hair out of his face, almost forgetting that he isn't actually wearing glasses right now.

"Alright," he bites his lip ring. There isn't any embarrassment per se, but he still hates to talk in front of a crowd. "Dear friends, losers, posers, former lovers and companions. But most of all, Brave citizens of Rocktopia of the Rock Solid Panda bus." There are cheers. "I'm here today, a year older, ready to say that I've been living the most fabulous years with you all by my side. I couldn't imagine living a better dream without you all, I-" the door of the bus slides open and his heart does a flip. "I want to say we did amazing tonight and honestly I'm amazed everyone loved Jace's weird ass piano riff like what the fuck man."

Everyone laughs but Simon's eyes are riveted to the newest guest that arrived. Why is Raphael here ? "So I've completely forgotten what I wanted to say," his ears feel like burning by stating his thoughts out loud like this. "But I hope to keep on making music with you all. I hope to keep on making you all, this band and Jordan very proud. L'chaim !"

He drinks just a tiny sip from his drink, before downing it fully. Raphael is looking at him, and it makes the hairs on his neck rise in all the good ways. He has congratulations everywhere but Raphael stands there, unmoving. He's wearing a turtleneck and leather jacket. And Simon doesn't remember even once seeing Raphael not wearing a suit… Well there was this one time. His heart skips a beat.

His feet are almost rooted on the spot.

"Hey Simon isn't that... ?" Clary takes a step forward to go and greet him and Simon suddenly sees himself pass her by to walk straight to the vampire. He absolutely doesn't want _anyone_ to say things to Raphael that aren't theirs to say.

"R-Raphael, funny seeing you here," he laughs. He blushes and Raphael looks up at him and Simon is at a loss for words. They stay stuck in his throat. He knows Raphael probably _hears_ his heartbeat being a full on hurricane in his chest. But of course Raphael would be too polite to say anything ever. He looks stunning tonight and as always not one hair is out of place.

"Good evening, Simon." His voice is low and Simon just can't keep his mind from racing, plagued with images of their bodies intertwined and Raphael's teeth in his throat or thigh. But most importantly the memory of Raphael's lips on his and his lukewarm arms around Simon, whispering approval and care in his ears until he went to sleep.

"I thought- ," he tries to inhale without shaking, "I thought we were only supposed to meet in a week." He feels his hands getting moist and he starts playing with the clasps of his gloves. His nailpolish is chipped.

"I wanted to see you." It's a plain and straight-out sentence and interrupts Simon's possible babbling. And it does. Until Simon's brain catches up with what Raphael has said. He keeps his mouth from falling open. Raphael wants to see him… _him._ His eyes flutter, he takes a step back. He tries to relax, and lower his shoulders.

"Well, hi I'm here I guess," he swallows hard. "Thank you for coming ?" his voice has gotten way too high on that last part. But Raphael doesn't seem to mind.

"Simon, come and cut the cake buddy, because Jace is just going to put his fingers in it," shouts Bat from the back. Simon stops fidgeting with his fingers. He is happy, elated even, but damn does he hope nobody will be weird around Raphael.

"Let me introduce you to everybody." He's bold, he doesn't want to think, and grabs Raphael's hand. He drags him over to the kitchenette table everyone is huddling around. Three small candles stick out of the cake and are already lit.

"Hey everyone, this is Raphael." He says, trying to sound as casual as possible. At the name drop everyone looks up. He feels his mind practically scream for them to not make it weird.

"Raphael ?" Jace starts and Simon glares at him, praying for his bandmate to _not_ make it weird. " _The_ Raphael ? Santiago ?" Simon feels all of his goosebumps break out when he tries not to whimper in mercy at Jace to not say anything that isn't his to say.

A thumb caresses circles on his hand and Simon forces himself to not look down at his hand where Raphael is softly giving him a reassuring touch. He melts at the gesture. Raphael moves and Simon feels him slip from his hand. "You must be Jace."

Jace beams and takes Raphael's hand to shake and Simon is tongue tied. "This is Clary, my girlfriend and merch girl, you've probably seen Andrew our driver and security guy, Bat our manager, Kirk vocals, Eric drums, and Matt guitars, or just one guitar since he destroyed his other one at the last gig we did in Memphis." Matt's mouth falls open to protest.

"I'm going to blow out the candles before it starts dripping on the cake." Usually he wished for good health to all and especially his family and chosen family. Last year he wished for Jordan to make it, not that it had helped. This year he feels selfish. A wish for himself and only for him. He doesn't glance at Raphael, but when he closes his eyes it's all he can think off. Of Raphael, of having more moments with him, be with him, embrace him, laugh with him… Maybe date him. To have love reciprocated, to have everything he ever dreamt of having with someone.

He blows and everyone cheers. He is given a piece of cake on a paper plate, before everyone sinks into the cake as if they were all vultures. "Well done." The voice is like velvet and Simon almost drops his cake as Raphael whispers in his ear, a hand on the small of Simon's back. The sensation is doubled as Raphael's thumb traces Simon's spine.

"I'm glad you think so." Simon takes a step back and picks up the grape from the cake in his plate. He looks pointedly at Raphael as he puts it between his lips and sucks it in before chewing it and swallowing, knowing very well Raphael prefers it when blood contains natural sugars the most. His gesture has the desired effect as Raphael's lips part open. Fangs slide out underneath and Simon feels feverish. He remembers Raphael's fangs in his neck and wrist, remembers the snarls and growls, Raphael's body pinning him to the mattress and Simon begging. He remembers Raphael's praise afterward and how he submitted to the Vampire's commands and negotiated demands. He remembers the words of love and cold hands helping him calm down from his insecurities. He flushes from neck to ear.

It's like they are in a haze and Simon wishes he could just hold Raphael's hand one more time.

He gets elbowed and it breaks his reverie. Someone puts on music and Raphael comes closer to him.

"Simon, can we go outside for a minute ?" Raphael sounds hoarse despite not needing to breathe. It does things Simon; his chest feels like it's splitting open. He puts a hand up trying not to spiral away immediately into whatever storm he is feeling.

"One minute, like, I just need to get a few things first." Raphael nods, Simon needs to calm down. He picks up another grape from his cake and his newly gifted bass case. He thinks of inviting Raphael out back but decides against it. He needs to clear his head and everything he can currently think of is snogging Raphael until he can't stand on his own two feet anymore.

He picks C3P0 from his bunk, which is the bottom one on the right. The back lounge is a mess just like it always is post show preparation. He tries to put his clothes in a neater pile in a corner and shoves his shoes a bit more under the small table. When he opens the case he realises there is much more to the gift than the case he had been given. There are all kinds of goodies inside of it, letters, bracelets, pins, and drawings. He smiles as he empties everything into an empty shoe box, he wants to look at them tomorrow. He puts his trusted C3PO inside and closes the case.

He ruffles his hair and picks a black bracelet out of the shoe box that has moons and a bat as a keychain hung on it. He changes his top but most of them are fishnet so he gives up and there is no way in the universe he'd ever wear someone else's T-shirt even though they were bought from the thrift store. Raphael dislikes it when there are too many smells from different people on him even if he's too polite to say it. He goes to the bathroom really quickly to take out his contacts and grab his glasses. There is nothing he can do to rearrange his hair. He looks at himself one more time and grins. "You got this." It may sound silly to talk to yourself but it has always worked for him. He makes his way back to the front lounge.

"… So Nothing at all ? Not even a little bite ?" Simon's ears turn red when he hears the end of Matt's sentence. He opens the door to see Matt, and Eric for that matter, eat cake in front of Raphael. The vampire's face is neutral. Which doesn't always mean anything good.

"Nothing, if anything it makes me sick, since I don't digest anything it just rots in my body." Raphael flashes an exasperated gaze. That is Simon's cue to interrupt whatever this conversation is before it escalates.

"Oh shit must be so hard man, hey wait where are you guys going ?" Simon's stops pushing Raphael's back for a split second because of course everybody decides to suddenly pay attention to them.

"Outside, for a minute." He shifts on his feet, trying to appear casual. He really doesn't want to answer any questions right now.

"Shit, I was hoping we could have some scooby snacks tonight." There is relief in realising that there won't be any further questions asked. But on second thought a scowl draws on his features before he can stop it. He points his finger at the group. It's dramatic but he wants to be clear.

"No, it's my birthday stash and we have another gig tomorrow." Some people are crestfallen but he doesn't care. He's the leader of the band and at least they respect his authority on this matter. He sees Bat approving in the background that he is making a good call.

"Weed ?" Everyone perks up at that. Simon is going to regret this decision.

"You know weed doesn't count." Before anyone can say anything else Simon is making his way outside. The air is strangely warmer now. There is still some commotion in the venue as other bands' setlist goes on and rocks the evening air with sound and a rabid crowd. The energy makes him giddy, it's even better now that Raphael is here.

The vampire scans the environment. There are other people smoking outside. Simon is about to speak when Raphael stares into him and Simon drowns almost instantly, unable to speak, his stomach doing somersaults. "Not here." He feels Raphael coming closer, his cologne hitting Simon's nostrils as if a face hugger has suddenly settled on his brain. -Not the greatest metaphor- He's unable to stop staring. He bites his lip ring trying to find a semblance of focus. Especially when Raphael's fingers slide against his palm to lace their hands together. Not in a million years can he imagine himself letting Raphael go.

Raphael drags him a bit further away. There is still the security line and there is no way they would let them pass without an escort. "Let me," Raphael looks so pointedly at him Simon doesn't know where to stand but in Raphael's presence. He is his guiding light, his grasp on reality that he would cling to against any judgement and better judgement. He is in love. He is in love with this vampire. His heart would burst with the sheer joy of it. It comes apart at the seams. It takes self control to not blurt it out. To share what he feels, but he doesn't want to overwhelm or over-share. His heart is embarrassing him enough as it is by just making him fully inarticulate when Raphael is merely a few steps apart from him.

"Don't let go." It's a reference to their hands. Raphael becomes very still and Simon knows not to ask. But he feels the shroud. Looking at Raphael becomes hard as his gaze seems to start ignoring him completely. It's like he is distracted. He knows Raphael is there, close, he feels him but doesn't see him. He knows vampires can do it, throw a mantle of obfuscation. Raphael is cloaking them from prying eyes.

"Close your eyes if things become too confusing." His voice washes over Simon. He can't do anything but trust the Vampire's words. The bond they share, thrumming in Simon's chest cavity, is forged in tears, blood and promises of better tomorrows. He closes his eyes. Raphael hums, pleased, and Simon feels all his concerns transfigure into a mist. Pleasing Raphael is a drug that not any party drug could ever live up to.

Their steps are slow enough for Simon not to stumble, Raphael isn't dragging him, he's _guiding_ him. As he has done so many times before. The conversations around him fade in and fade out as they pass people by. He concentrates on his heartbeat. There is a meditative state almost washing over him as Raphael takes him across the busy streets of New York. They walk, not even knowing where they are going, but knowing Raphael will take care of him regardless.

They slow down. He smells the air to find it thick with the scent of pine trees. The path underneath his feet is riddled with stones. They are in a park. He clutches Raphael, not wanting to fall down as they go uphill. They walk a more even path before stopping. Raphael lets go of Simon's hand and Simon's heart almost cries at the loss. He opens his eyes to find himself on the highest point of Ironwood Park looking over the city. Raphael is sitting on the bench next to him. It takes self control to not crawl up to him. This place is romantic and sealed off, breaking an entry into a park on the evening of his birthday with no cops in sight, just the two of them… Yeah, Simon's heart is beating harder in the worst way possible.

"Did you see the Show ?" He asks as he sits down next to Raphael. He expects Raphael to say no. So he is surprised when Raphael takes pause before answering.

"Yes," He leans over, resting his elbows on his knees. His eyes trail over Simon and the international rock star gulps; he has been stared down, seen by over thousands of people earlier. But Raphael is the only person he would ever turn to for approval. At least in the ways he wants to. "You looked good on the stage." His smile almost tears at his cheeks. "Even if you were wearing a costume from The Lost Boys."

Raphael gestures to his attire that was half his scene costume and half Simon. He had ditched the heels when he had exited the stage. "Shit you noticed," he laughs, half embarrassed, half delighted. Raphael looks at him in many ways but badly isn't one of them.

"Well, I wasn't sure until I understood that it was probably the reason you had bleached your hair." Simon runs his fingers through his hair, as if to look at them and check if they were indeed still bleached. Not the best decision he has ever made but it changes things up from his usual natural colour with blue strands.

"You sound like you hate it." He sticks out his tongue, Raphael's eyes dart toward it and the gleam in them tells Simon exactly what Raphael is thinking. For he has seen this gaze many times before, right before Raphael puts him back in his place and if he behaved after that Simon would even be rewarded with fangs in his throat. His cock twitches awake at the memory, wondering why he hasn't kissed Raphael yet. He knows the answer, but dwelling on it is too unpleasant to think about. They aren't dating, kissing came only in forms of transactions and services rendered. But he'd have Raphael's friendship if the vampire would give it.

"I don't hate it, even if the movie has several inaccuracies and my interests don't lay there, I was just surprised you were going to be dressed as a vampire. But I guess I should have expected this from a man whose bass is called C3PO." Raphael's grin leaves Simon speechless. Until he makes a hissing sound as if Raphael has severely burned him.

"Mind you, C3PO is a perfectly respectable name for a Bass Guitar." He almost crosses his arms defensively. Nobody insults his C3PO before at least telling him why. Raphael sits back, still grinning. Another flash of fangs has Simon distracted and he cocks an eyebrow.

"Is it because of the colour ?" The question isn't an apology, it's a distraction and Simon bites in it as if it were a chocolate raisin babka. His mouth runs faster than his thoughts.

"Absolutely, like it's a Fender P-Bass alright I love it it was the first my mom ever bought me. I always wanted the five string variant but it was too expensive for my mom alone so I pitched in and in the end it was given to me by this record seller for 1000 bucks and he also gave me my like my first pedals as well it was awesome." He snaps his mouth shut, suddenly aware that this isn't at all what Raphael had asked. "But yes, C3PO I called her. Because of the rich bronze colour she has."

"Simon," Raphael's voice is all that Simon registers. Raphael's lukewarm hands are on his cheeks. One on each side. They bring their faces together. Simon whimpers. Raphael's lips move against his. They are soft and Simon feels any tension he's ever felt tonight fade into nothingness. It warms the belly and makes heads spin. Raphael is a good kisser, he takes his time, he explores, he lets you try things and doesn't press on, he's careful. When he moves against you it's as if the whole world doesn't matter anymore. And Simon's world becomes a his and a them and yearns for an us and a together. Raphael doesn't let go immediately when he breaks the contact of their lips. His thumbs caress Simon's cheeks a few seconds longer as his eyes peer into Simon's. He readjusts Simon's glasses before he lets go.

"I am here because I wanted to give you this. It is maybe not a shiny new bass case but here, I have been spending my time with my sister's knitting and sewing club." Simon's eyes fall on a paper bag the size of a book. He carefully takes it from Raphael's hand. He doesn't ask if the present is really for him. He's too dizzy and dazed. Not only because Raphael got him a present but because he just told Simon a very personal piece of information. Raphael has a sister.

He opens the bag and sticks his hand inside and his fingers find them caressing something sturdy and velvety. He takes the plush animal out of its bag. It looks like a bat with an oversized head compared to the body, its eyes are huge black buttons. No seam is even visible and it is incredibly soft.

"Oh Raphael, thank you." He says once he notices the details. A bass guitar is sewn on its back right between its little wings, bearing the words 'For Simon'. It isn't just any bat, it's a bat colour coded as a panda as a reference to Simon's band. There are no tears at the side of his eyes. Nope. Not at all. Raphael has given him a gift that is genuinely sweet.

Raphael, however, is quiet. Too Quiet. "There is something else." That didn't sound good. Even less than good. That sounded really bad. As in break-up bad.

"Simon, I have been thinking, well more than just thinking actually. This isn't easy for me because I've never had this _problem_ before." It is hard to stay focused, Simon's mind goes in and out of concentration and Raphael stands up and walks to the railing that overlooks the city. Far away from Simon. Way too far away from that bench where not only minutes ago they were kissing and feelings were strong and soft and all around thankful. He waits for Raphael to talk, but his heart constricts.

"See, usually I have things in place, boundaries, decisions and safeguards for things like this to happen. But somehow they all failed." Simon tries to breathe, there isn't anything to panic about, he has to listen, he has to think, he has to give Raphael the chance to finish his story. Shit he isn't even sure if his phone has enough battery to call a cab back to the venue.

"The work I do, it happens, some clients get too close to the fantasy, some play out the boyfriend experience until they persuade themselves it is actually real." Shit, fuck, any other curse word Simon wants to jeer at his mind doesn't come out as everything falls into place. Raphael is ending things because of _him._ Because Simon has fallen head over heels and harder than any fallen star.

"I usually break things off as quickly and cleanly as I can when it happens. It's not too hard because I can easily scare people off by just being myself and showing my nature. But I digress." He tries not to show, he tries not to swallow, to let Raphael talk. But his chest _hurts._ As if stabbed and torn into more pieces and shreds than a broken mirror. "Simon I need you to listen to me, I can't go on, I can't go on with you being my client. This has nothing to do with you. I wasn't careful enough. I should have stopped when I saw the signs. But I just couldn't."

"Are you letting me off gently is that it ?" It fucking hurts, and he tries not to be angry. Raphael's charade is unnecessary, somewhere he would have preferred the usual let down. Simon would have gotten angry, sad, fucked some random dude while being on molly and apologised and moved on. Raphael picking apart what happened - worse, basically blaming _himself_ for Simon's asininity because he is in love with Raphael - is a lot, too much even. He puts the gift down on the bench, not wanting to touch it anymore.

"No." Raphael turns toward him. Simon doesn't know what to do with his feelings, not when Raphael looks so _sorry_. Shit, he doesn't need pity. And Raphael isn't showing pity. - _Great things Lewis, getting dumped on your birthday_ \- He can't stand it, he needs to walk, move with his feet. His pace is more angry than sad. When he realises that Raphael is waiting for him to speak he moves to lean on the railing.

"What is it then Raphael ? You don't want me to be your client. Alright, got it. I'm a fool. Shit Raphael I- Fuck I hate this, I hate everything about this. I'm-" His heart is just a mess, like drained of any happiness he has felt tonight and would feel in the future. He tries not to cry, he hates crying. He'll cry later, in his bunk, and probably write a song about it like he did for Clary and Jace.

"I can't hate you over this. You're right. As always you're right and I'm the lovesick fool. Fuck." He looks away as he spits out the words. They are bitter, painful. He throws his head back and shakes it.

"Simon, wait, I don't think we're on the same page here." Raphael takes a step closer and Simon has to take one away. His skin feels burnt cold by heartbreak.

"It's okay, I'll get over it. I, fuck-" There is a tear and then another he cannot keep from falling from his eyes. "I think- since it's out in the open I can just say it, right ? I love you, I'm sorry, I tried not to. I tried so hard not to. I'm sorry, I fucked this up. And you're right you are just doing your job." It feels so much better to be able to say it. Raphael deserves to know, even though it is probably embarrassing. He shifts from one foot to another, uncomfortably. He wants to make a run for it.

"Simon, please give me a second Simon," Raphael is stepping toward him and Simon whines. He wants to move toward Raphael. He does. The vampire would throw him off if he doesn't want Simon to approach. He is probably used to a desperate client-ex-client clinging to him. He wishes the world and ground would swallow him whole.

"Please don't forget about me, I know you're just going to say the things I want to hear. But please tell me that this was at least a good experience for you and that you'll continue do this, sex work, you made me feel so much better about myself and my kinks; I feel like a better man since I started seeing you. I-" Raphael holds him, puts a finger on his lips like he has done so many times before. Raphael is smiling and Simon doesn't know how it is supposed to make him feel. A bit betrayed, maybe.

"I could never forget you Simon, I want you to listen to me." Simon doesn't want to listen. He wishes he could say no but Raphael looks at him. His fingers brush away a lock of hair out of Simon's face. It tears at Simon's soul to imagine it to be platonic. He loves Raphael, there is no way he'd ever get over him.

"I never thought it would be something that happened to me, I always thought this wasn't something for me because I just didn't feel that way. But I apparently can do with time and trust, Simon. I don't want you to be my client anymore because I want you to be my boyfriend. If you'll have me. Like there will be boundaries, several ones, but if you accept the terms of service, I'd like to try. You and me. You said you love me. You don't know how happy this is making me. I've longed for you, Simon. In ways I haven't longed for any clients, ever."

Simon looks down at Raphael. The clash of emotions is too high, too strong; He feels numb. He looks away. Raphael isn't the type to jest. He wouldn't make a joke out of this. He trembles. He puts his hands around Raphael's forearms. Is this even real ? "Are you serious ?"

"Dead, and this was my pale attempt at humour tonight." There is no humour in his tone. But the way he smiles... It's careful.

Simon feels the layers peel away, tears have already flowed tonight. But his mind catches up. Raphael… loves him. Raphael loves him. Raphael _loves_ him.

"Listen to me, I love you Simon Lewis. I have for a while. I have never dated anyone in my life, or unlife before, and I don't know how good I'll be at this. But I want to try. For you Simon Lewis I want to try. If you'll have me."

Simon lets loose of Raphael's arms. He wraps them around the vampire's neck. There is a chill to his body, but Simon doesn't care. Raphael's gaze is not as indescribable as he would want it to be. Raphael is bare, probably for the first time ever. The first time they met, Raphael had said that his heart belonged to no one and never will. But here they are. The gesture is soft, the sentences almost left unfinished. Simon grins.

"Say it again," Raphael puts his hands around Simon's waist. And Simon feels safe, the safest he's ever felt.

"I want to try, I love you." Raphael flashes a smirk over his face, knowing exactly what Simon is seeking.

"Again," Simon's voice is a whisper and his glasses are dirty from the crying. Yet to Raphael he looks like the most beautiful man he's ever seen.

"I love you." Simon brings their lips together.

Perhaps yes, there is something he has gotten tonight that is more important than the crowd's applause or shiny presents; It is love shaped in a panda-bat mascot and gentle words. It is the taste of lips on his own from someone he has never thought would reciprocate his feelings. It is everything he never thought he could have. He's happy. Perhaps the happiest man that has ever roamed this earth. And will continue to be, if it means keeping the man he loves at his side. For years and maybe eternity to come.

The end

**Author's Note:**

> If you're over 18 and wanna hang out with other people who love Shadowhunters (I'm there too) come check out the [Hunter's Moon Discord](https://discord.gg/RhZPtsd)


End file.
